i really don’t know a way to go about this without coming across as tacky… but i find myself frozen. i’m numb. i can’t cry. i can’t emote. it’s like every time i go to think of him, my brain fills up with clouds and i can’t focus on him.

my brother committed suicide yesterday.

of course, i’ve ran through the gamut of questions one probably asks themselves in a situation like this: what could i have done, what could i have said, could i have stopped him - in a way, selfish questions because you want to be that one person that would change his mind.

my brother and i are… were… so similar in a lot of ways… and because of the “hand life dealt us” and how we lived and how we had troubles accepting love and loving in return, we were many times miserable.

he talked about taking his life several times over the years, but told me he would wait until he was 40. justin was a lot of great things (to those who knew him), but he was also very vain. his looks were very important to him… and I think it’s because he felt they were one of the few things he had to offer to attract someone. which some of us knew, that wasn’t true… but he was very adamant once he decided upon something and his mind was rarely changed.

i’ll always remember him as the one who tried to protect me from the cruelty of the world, who was generous to me when i didn’t deserve it, the wizened mentor who attempted to guide me through life’s pothole-filled roads.

he didn’t say goodbye. i forgive him for that.

i just wish he wasn’t alone when he left us. i hope he knew that i loved him very much and would have done or said anything to keep him in this world with us… with me.

i’ll miss him every day until i die. i’ll never forget him and i love him.