so i think one of the most difficult things to find once you lose it… MUST be passion. because for a while or for a long while, it you allow it to become a part of you… engrained in you… intertwined.
then, situations, or people, or circumstances, or unfortunate events, or substances, or work, or money, or DISTRACTIONS or just… most of or ALL of the above happen and you allow it to change who you are. and sometimes, in order to survive, some people NEED to make certain changes. in order for them to deal with something (though it may not be other people’s preferred ways of doing things), unless they change, they won’t survive.
and unfortunately… as i learned when my brother died last year… he couldn’t find the will or the way to survive… so he ended his own life.
i still have yet to properly deal with that.
but i understand why i haven’t and also maybe why i haven’t exactly earned the right to.
over the past how ever many years - i honestly don’t know; different people would have different time spans - hmmm… it hasn’t been entirely overt… though probably obvious at times… but i’ve allowed myself to become more of a selfish person than i’ve EVER wanted to or thought i’d be.
and do you know HOW hard that is to change?
and do you know HOW much harder it is to change KNOWING you want/need to change and you fail… it can be so extremely defeating. defeating enough where you’ll, internally at the very least, justify allowing yourself to think or do things you wouldn’t if you were of stronger constitution? or justify yourself to stop trying?
it’s abhorrent the situations i placed myself in, some of the things i’ve allowed myself to do, behavior i hurt other people with.
it was bad for and to the people who were close to me and who i loved, it was bad to the world… and it was wrong to expect and demonstrate so little from myself. especially when i know i’m capable of more. i’ve already DONE more. i’d consider where i am right now a YUGEMUNGOUS step DOWN from where i thought i would and SHOULD be.
(enough CAPS for ya there? i likes me emphesees ^_^ <— oh and emoticons)
one of the BEST passions i’ve lost… had taken from me… i’ve let drift away… was my passion for writing.
now i’m not saying i was writing anything wonderful or critically acclaimed, but i always LOVED blogging. i kept a livejournal for YEARS that, in the beginning years, i updated almost on the daily. I wrote it like this and i hope it makes sense and that in some way you can understand and believe this: i wrote it thinking probably only two or three people ever read it, wishing more would (including all of my immediate family members - and you know, up until recently, none of ‘em did), for those who DID read it to enjoy it and get a good adventure or laugh out of it (as i did enjoy trying to be comical if i could), and honestly assuming sometimes nobody read it at all. and that gave me a certain type of freedom to be myself that i really kinda grew into… and in good, productive ways. ways i hadn’t really been able to before.
but mostly… mostly i did it for self enjoyment. there was always something about typing an idea up and getting it out there and if people saw it and it brought a smile to their face or if they ever saw something similar and thought “oh that makes me think of Geo(ff)!” or especially if it made them laugh, that was really special to me. seriously special.
but i read my own writing back to myself as if someone else who i really enjoyed reading and who could totally relate to my life and sense of humor and interests were writing it and i would read some of the entries over and over. is that weird?
it also probably lends a little to the reason why i talk OUT LOUD to myself so much. if you’ve known me in person for longer than an acquaintenal meet (although i’ve exposed myself as freakishly as early as that - “to no one’s surprise”), you just know that if i’m by myself, or left alone or even just bored - i’ll talk to myself.
have actual conversations with myself.
ask myself questions and answer them.
laugh at my own jokes out loud.
told myself out loud to stop talking to myself out loud because somebody could probably hear you (meaning myself) and then laughing when i’ve at times realized it’s far past too late.
i used to LOVE writing.
and you know… i still do.
but i let the idea of life being harsh to me (oh it is, but i’m allowing it to keep me from one of my passions and dammit something i think i’m actually not that bad at) keep me from focusing on strengthening certain characteristics, taming others, being steadfast enough to keep the strong but twistingly comforting ones at bay, but strive to focus to always just… BE better.
and another thing i just thought of… when i WAS writing, if there was a word i would rather use than the one i wrote and i knew it but couldn’t think of it… i would twist my hair and sit there and think until i figured it the hell out. and i think that’s something someone passionate about something like this like i am would do.
and would CONTINUE to do.
but do you know at ALL what the hardest time will be to continue this beginning?
after i wake up and it officially becomes tomorrow for me (‘cause y’all all know it ain’t tomorrow ‘til yo’ ass go to sleep).
so those with the biggest hearts… those with the most love… those with the most understanding… if there is ANY time i’m going to need help - and this just surprisingly is help that doesn’t financially burden someone - it will be support, prayers, energy (and hey, gift don’t hurt and my car is broke and i could always use gas money to car pool so heeeeeey lol)
and you know… this year, i’ve allowed myself to use the “lol” or the “LOL” because sometimes just when it’s just a calm laugh like “ha ha”, it’s seems lame.
so i have joined the younger generation.
oh and while i’m still typing ‘cause i feel i’ll be done soon, for me personally, people 24 or below will furthermore (with few exceptions) be treated with an inquisitive cocked eyebrow and a possible audible and inquisitive “hmmmm”.
oh. another thing before i go.
because of allowing myself to become more selfish than i ever thought i would be or become, i HURT some people very close to me and some people very dear to me.
you’d be wrong if you told me there’s always a chance for ALL relationships to mend over time.
it makes it even harder for me… emotionally… to move on fully… knowing that SOME people… not all… are mostly or fully justified in their reasons for feeling hurt by me… and a very select few of those people i don’t think will ever forgive me.
please don’t go positive with it and say “oh they will..!”
because i do think it’s true and i don’t think it would be completely unmerited. i do think in a few situations i was assessed incorrectly or flat our just judged harshly… but in some others, i earned the admonishment i received. that’s really hard for me.
and your life feeling terrible… and it truly does… but knowing that you halfway-to-mostly putt yourself there? THEN having to get yourself OUT of chasmy quagmire? all the while depressing yourself over regressions of justifications or actions.
all of that? is really, REALLY hard for me.
well, now that i’m done and i’m having another random thought - i’ve for several years now wanted a writing gig, like articles or music reviews that would be published not only on blogs. but i also would LOVE to write comic scripts… and i feel i have a solid idea for something that could be a great kinda fantasty adventure that could be an actual book, which could then be a graphic novel (or if it were turned into a video game, my nerd card would combust on the spot)… oh so many things. and you know. i honestly think i might be good enough to at least try it. whether if it’s hugely successful or makes a lot of money would have to be an after thought. creating this… well… creation out of words that i can just imagine happening in my brain that i hope other people would be able to do that too..?
that’s my fantasy. that’s my wish. i hope i would do that til my dying breath.
i also hope i’ll remember to do it tomorrow, when it’s really gonna kick my ass.
oh god help me. i know you don’t totally hate me.
i was born white..! HA!
um, first, that was a joke and second, there a HUGE asterisk to that.
wish me well. wish me luck. wish me at least to make it through each hour until the next one.
(i keep hearin’ noises y’all and it freakin’ me out)